Parents looking for advice to help their anxious children received some surprising advice from Licensed Clinical Psychologist Kristy Ludwig, Ph.D., Ed. M. in her presentation “Navigating Anxiety: What Truly Helps Students Thrive” — stop accommodating and stop with all the breathing exercises.

“Everything about a parent is designed to protect and rescue and save your child, which is why it's really tricky when you have a child that's really anxious, because all the parenting feelings inside of you that are very, very understandable, make you want to do these things,” Ludwig said. “Unfortunately, it's not always the most helpful thing.”

She explained that anxious kids use avoidance behaviors to stay out of situations in which they feel uncomfortable feelings of stress, fear, embarrassment and anxiety, and that it is often the parents and teachers that enable these patterns of behavior when they’re just trying to help.

“We want to empower kids to be able to do things that are uncomfortable and hard, and when we help them to avoid things that make them anxious, we are actually doing the opposite of that and we're sending the message that they can't do it, or that we don't think they can,” Ludwig said.

A slide shows parenting advice Psychologist Kristy Ludwig shared with parents of anxious children. (Jet Burnham/City Journals)

Ludwig’s solution is for parents to change their responses and behaviors to high support, low accommodation to convey their confidence that their child is able to handle hard things. That means less rescuing, helping and protecting anxious children.

April Cole, parent of an anxious elementary school student, was surprised when she heard protecting a child from uncomfortable situations actually makes their anxiety worse. After the presentation, she said she plans to make some changes in her behavior and parenting approach. “I’m thinking about how I can change how I react to my child and how I can help him,” she said.

Ludwig told parents that feeling anxiety is not going to hurt their child, and that the goal is not to get rid of all the anxiety. What they need, she said, is exposure therapy, which actually reduces anxiety over time. She reasoned that when kids are exposed to a situation more often, and the thing they were worried about happening doesn’t actually happen, eventually their positive experiences win over the worried thoughts and the situation stops triggering their anxious feelings.

Another shocking piece of advice Ludwig gave parents is to be extremely careful when deciding to set up educational accommodations for their child. The problem, Ludgwig said, is oftentimes an accommodation allows avoidance. She insists kids still need to go to class, participate and do the work.

Copper Hills High School Counselor Shannon Felt said when she was a teacher, it was surprising how often students didn’t actually need the accommodations they’d been given when she encouraged them to first try the task independently. “It just gave them that confidence of ‘I think you can do it,’” she said.

Accommodations for anxiety, Ludwig said, should be temporary, appropriate and individualized.

“If a child has ADHD, extended time would be very helpful, but if a child is anxious, extended time is only going to give them more time to worry,” Ludwig said. “If an accommodation is going to be in place for anxiety, it should never remove all of the anxiety. It could turn the volume down, but it should never make it so the student is entirely comfortable.”

The accommodations information was especially interesting to April Rudd, a K-6 special education teacher who helps create IEPs and 504 accommodations for her students. After attending Ludwig’s presentation, she said she will be more thoughtful about the accommodations she recommends for students. The presentation also gave her some good tips and helpful responses she can use for her students--and herself-- when anxiety is present.

Rudd sometimes experiences social anxiety and listening to Ludwig talk about avoidance behaviors causing increased anxiety sparked some self-realizations. “The exposure part was really huge for me,” Rudd said.

Some of the parents in attendance were confused when Ludwig cautioned them against focusing too much on breathing exercises, journaling and other common strategies used to get rid of anxious feelings.

“These are fine as grounding tools — breathing, I support it, it’s a great thing to do,” Ludwig said. “But the reality is, we aren't going to be able to just relax our way out of anxiety. I don't actually want a child to be ‘not anxious.’ I want them to learn that they can feel anxious and do the thing again.”

Ludwig has trained Jordan District employees in her methods of support, validation and encouraging self-confidence. Copper Hills High School counselors allow students to use the school Wellness Room as a place to calm down but they limit their time and encourage them to get back to class soon. Ludwig explained the student needs to be back in class so that they get that exposure and realize they actually can make it through their class. “I do think it's reasonable to validate — ‘Yes, that is hard, and I'm sorry that that is harder for you than other kids, but that shouldn't be an excuse,’” Ludwig said. 

Parents were encouraged to team-up with their child’s school counselors instead of fighting them. “School counselors are amazing,” Ludwig said. “They know these things. They want to help. They have great research.”

Ludwig’s presentation, held March 4, was arranged by the CHHS counseling department, an example of the types of resources they provide for parents. CHHS counselor Amber Horrocks said it was a successful parent night. “I wish we had more people come because it's such a huge issue and important message, but the few people who did come, it really mattered to them,” she said.